Make Peace With Your Shadow

The psychological concept of the shadow refers to all those parts of ourselves we deem unacceptable — the deplorable aspects of our human nature we conceal from others and, as best we can, from ourselves. Our most horrible thoughts, feelings, desires, and impulses — directed toward others or our own selves — get buried beneath layers of secrecy, guilt, shame, humiliation, and self-hatred. Our shadows are part of human nature that everyone has in different forms. No matter how hard we try to hide the contents of our shadows, they continue to haunt us in our subconscious, our dreams, and our daily awareness. Our shadows pose a threat to our inner peace, self esteem, and integrity, but they don’t have to.

The secret to making peace with our shadows lies in exposing them to the healing power of unconditional love.  The challenge — and opportunity — is finding a source of unconditional love and a way to bring it into the darkest corners of our psyches where peace and healing are needed. It’s like opening the windows of a long-sealed cellar to let in disinfecting sunlight and fresh air.

Unconditional love is a love that is free from judgment, rejection, punishment, or threat of any kind. It embodies understanding, empathy, compassion, acceptance, and reassurance. Imagine having complete access to all of this love on demand. It’s a spiritual medicine for our most personal health and healing. If we’re fortunate, we may find it from family or friends, but that doesn’t mean we reveal all of our deepest shadow material to our loved ones. What's better is having access to unconditional love from a higher source.

What kind of higher source? You get to decide for yourself.  Unconditional love is truly Divine, but it can be thought of in either a religious or non-religious spiritual perspective. It might be represented as a god, goddess, savior, or saint. It might be an angel, Mother Nature, higher power, spirit guide, departed loved one, or an imaginary friend. It doesn’t matter whether you think of this love as coming from outside of you or from within. All that matters is that your chosen source radiates unconditional love free of judgment. 

With this understanding of unconditional love, what is needed next is some form of personal sanctuary — a space where you can rest serenely in the presence of this love. It may be a church, cathedral, temple, synagogue, or mosque. It may be the forest, meadow, ocean, or a quiet space in your home. You don’t need to go anywhere other than through your imagination to enter your sanctuary.

As you picture yourself in your sanctuary and feel surrounded by unconditional love, you are ready to bring any of the contents of your shadow into the light of healing love. You can do this silently or by writing it in a private journal, which often deepens the experience. Because this “sharing’ is profoundly vulnerable, you may choose to destroy your writing afterward if that helps you feel safe.

Within your sacred space, write freely about whatever aspects of your shadow disturb your peace, dignity, or self-acceptance. Include any discomfort you have about your body, mind, thoughts, flaws, failings, desires, or behaviors. Dare to be brutally honest. Let it be raw. Remember that nothing you reveal in your sanctuary of unconditional love will be judged. Everything is met with complete understanding, empathy, compassion, acceptance, and reassurance.

The act of exposing our shadows to unconditional love is powerfully healing. We will still keep most of our ugly shadow material  private from others, but we’ll no longer need to hide it from ourselves or from whatever we consider to be Divine. Opening the doors to our shadows does not mean giving our “demons” free rein — but the comfort of unconditional love makes it easier to tame and manage these contents with less fear, guilt, and shame. In doing so, they lose their power to define your worth and lovability.

At first, this exercise may feel frightening and leave you feeling exposed.  But wherever we feel fear, guilt, shame, and self-hatred, that is where unconditional love is needed most .  As judgment and self-hatred become replaced by unconditional love we feel much less vulnerable and unlovable. Return to your sanctuary whenever you need to.  As we learn to judge less and love more, this will not only improve our own personal health but also improve our relationships with our fellow imperfect human beings.